so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
