Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
