Midget sex pt 2 tonight
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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