i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i need some magic done to my vagina
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
