new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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