so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
