Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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