the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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