cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
