We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I pour the whiskey from now on
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
