I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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