I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
