I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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