I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize