i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
