I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
All I want is dick and wine.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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