3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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