Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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