my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You smell like stripper and shame
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
