my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Someone signed my nipple.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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