I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
