Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize