I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You took a bar mat shot.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
