some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Im part way to drunk.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
