My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
