i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he was CRYING into my vagina
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
