We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
