how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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