Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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