So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
