brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
