Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize