i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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