these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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