If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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