just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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