A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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