You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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