My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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