I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
