you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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