If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
