your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The feeling are messing with the penis
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
