what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sext me about skeletons
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
