dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
