Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
