i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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