Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
