biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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