we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It's blow job season.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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