??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
