Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
