the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
