Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
