Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
