I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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