peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
