so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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