I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
