Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
