i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
