i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
