her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize