I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
