Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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