its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Actions speak louder than pants.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
