Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
